PCs - Seymour

[fefellocaelum]

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Week 0 (Post-Trial); Library

[fefellocaelum]

[What an abject shitshow today was. Amaya separates from the group quickly after they're let go, making a beeline for Erich and Wilbur's to grab something strong to drink; anything that can get the taste of today's trial and everything that seems set to utterly frustrate the everliving hell out of her out of her mind. She's just thankful at this point that the Dragon isn't with her, otherwise she'd be even more severe.

It's not long after that she makes her way to the library; it's something of a nice place to be, after all is said and done. A nice place to nab a horror novel, read to herself, see a distinct blue silhouette in the back corner and--

...

Oh. That is...a rather distinct silhouette, isn't it? Hm. Amaya had been mostly distracted by trying to solve the case today, but...she's not entirely heartless, and Seymour wasn't annoying at all. If anything, Ramuda and Lynne both owe him a more genuine apology. But if he's hiding like this, he likely doesn't want to be found...

Amaya will pause a moment, considering. And...she'll actually put the bottle in her hand on the floor between them after she pours a cup for herself, pausing before speaking.]

I will leave you be if you so wish it, sir. But...please feel free to take some of this, if you would like; I imagine today has been quite taxing to you.

...I truly do hope it helps, Seymour.

[She doesn't quite leave yet; her tone's still that same blank, blank cadence as usual, but she is trying to help. Amaya just doesn't know if he'd actually want company, at this point.]

[taintedfayth]

[Strictly speaking, Seymour doesn't want company... or wouldn't, if it were anyone else save for perhaps one or two other people. While the others may not have openly agreed with Ramuda and Lynne's ugliness ranking, only Childermass had truly done anything to try to get them to stop or apologize, and in Seymour's mind doing nothing is as much of a crime as joining in. (His father had done nothing to protect him from the jeers and cruel words of the Guado, either.)

But... that unfamiliar sense of understanding laced with something else that he'd felt when he and Amaya first spoke still remains. It's the closest he's ever been to feeling that maybe there is someone else out there in all the universe who is similar enough to him to know why he reacts to things the way he does, why those seemingly-innocuous words had cut so deep.

And the fact that she understands enough to both offer him something to help take the edge of and offer to leave him alone if that's what he would prefer... it's that which leads him to answer the way that he does.]

... you may stay, if you wish.

[He's never been able to express his own wants - has never really had any, at least not as long as he can remember - but this is about as close as he can manage to get.]

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya doesn't actually expect him to say he wants company; she's fully prepared to leave Seymour to it, but she doesn't expect him to put the ball into her court. After everything that's happened today, she's surprised he'd even offer. But...

Amaya pauses only a moment before sweeping her skirt and taking a seat on the ground nearby.]

I do not mind, if you will have me. [Still, Amaya bows her head low.] ...You should have had more people in your corner, to prevent Lynne and Ramuda from being so...tactless, frankly. Though I imagine any apology right now is bound to sound empty, please allow me to apologize for that, if little else.

[She pauses a bit. Frankly she's okay with letting this fall into silence, but...]

...If you wish to speak about it, you may; my ears are open. But I have no problem with simply sitting here in silence, if that is what you wish.

I tend to prefer it myself, sometimes.

[taintedfayth]

[Rarely does Seymour ever speak about his past. He sees no point in it-- it isn't something that can be changed, and the last thing he wants is pity or sympathy that will come far too late to matter at all.

However, after their first conversation, he gets the feeling that what he will get from her will be less sympathy and more understanding, and somehow he finds that thought far more palatable.]

I am used to it.

[It's as wry as it is bitter.]

They are not the first to say such things, nor will they be the last.

[A simple statement of fact. Both Guado and human alike find him unnatural; of course those from other worlds would view him the same way. He is, after all, an aberration, something that would never occur in nature were it not for his father's decision to try to curry favor with both Guado and humans alike.]

[fefellocaelum]

[...Ah.

Amaya listens to that, pausing a bit as she does. She'd found Rosemary's list so strange in the first place, and even the remarks that Lynne and Ramuda made--they're certainly incorrect. But that's...]

...Why, if you do not mind my asking? You said it yourself that you're a summoner--for what reason would they have to say such things to you?

[Amaya's concern is palpable, but there's an undercurrent of something else there, something almost like a small spark that has a potential to light a heavy flame.]

[taintedfayth]

Because I am neither Guado nor human, and both sides consider that a sin.

[It's said matter-of-factly, as though he is simply talking about the weather or what he's going to have for dinner. It has been the truth of the world for as long as he has been aware of anything outside of himself, because the world has never let him forget it.]

[fefellocaelum]

[...What.

Amaya's wide eyes do not abate even slightly at that, her jaw agape as she hears that. Lets it really set in, that this is just...this is normal for him. This is normal for a man who--]

...Not even becoming a summoner, their...their savior--not even that has changed their minds?

[The spark has been lit. It burns slightly, something in Amaya's tone, because if she can feel one thing no matter how much she tries to stamp it out? It's anger. Oh is it anger.]

That is...so deeply unfair to you. They're essentially attributing someone else's sins unto you, that's...

[taintedfayth]

... what your world did to you, is it not?

[The words are uncharacteristically soft, almost... vulnerable. This subject, as horrible and fraught as it is on so many fronts, is a point of connection... a point of real connection, not the false ties that he's forged so many times over with so many people that he can no longer even keep track.

Neither of them have known life without the weight of someone else's sins around their neck, dragging them down. And after a while? One stops even trying to swim to the surface.]

[fefellocaelum]

...I wouldn't dare put what I have been through to the same extent, but...yes.

[It's less fantasy racism and more the result of her father's...actions...wait a gosh darn moment.]

...Your own father, then. You're...living with the result of his sins too, I take it.

[taintedfayth]

[The sound he makes is one of assent, low and wry. Got it in one.]

He would have been less of a coward had he killed me outright.

[The statement is simply one of fact. Taking action - even action of that sort - would have been better than what he had done instead.]

[fefellocaelum]

Of course. They tend to be rather pig-headed animals; ready to make a mistake, but not ready to take responsibility for it.

[Amaya goes quiet at that, though. It...doesn't sound like what her father did, unless his father really did just helicopter parent him into being the best summoner, but--]

...Did yours hover over your every action as well, or...?

[taintedfayth]

Not at all.

[Hovering would have meant having to acknowledge Seymour's existence, the one thing Jyscal tried so studiously not to do.

The scorn in Amaya's words does not go unnoticed, however.]

But I take that to mean that yours did.

[He's... not sure whether he's envious or not. He'd never had enough of a relationship with his father in the first place to ever wish for something more.]

cw: child abuse, cult bullshit

[fefellocaelum]

...Then what did--

[...Ha. Oh. That's quite the loaded question Seymour fires back with, but...]

...Yes. He and the cultists did; I was...meant to be a venerated doll, a messiah, if only in name. Father wanted my emotions controlled down to the letter, and my individuality utterly taken from me.

In truth, I...for the first seventeen years of my life, I never knew any privacy. Because even if my Father couldn't keep an eye on me, the cultists would do so in his stead.

It is not a fate I would wish on anyone.

cw: child abuse/neglect

[taintedfayth]

[Seymour is silent for a moment, contemplating this.]

We are complete opposites, then.

[His voice is light, but there's no humor in it.]

When the strife among the Guado caused by my existence grew troublesome, my father had me and my mother sent away in the dead of night to the island of Baaj, uninhabited and uncivilized save for a single temple.

[He had always been alone; she had always been anything but. Each one had what the other desired, yet neither one of them had been happy.

Perhaps happiness was never meant for people like them.]

Were my father not already dead, I cannot say that I would not wish that fate on him.

cw: child abuse/neglect

[fefellocaelum]

...He...abandoned both of you, because of his deeds?

[There's a spark of something in her, something that sees her eyes widen as she listens to him and feels her fists ball up by her sides. It would've been a dream to have that sort of trust and isolation; she's never had it, but knowing that this wasn't even the life Seymour chose...

Amaya wishes she could do something. Say something, it's--]

He'd deserve it, for what he put you two through. A true taste of his own medicine. [...] How long were the two of you trapped there for?

[He had to have gotten out at some point. There's no other way.]

cw: child abuse/neglect

[taintedfayth]

[He watches her eyes widen, and in his own there is a strange sense of awe. No one has ever expressed any sort of genuine anger at his lot in life before; if anything, the majority of the world seemed content to never mention it at all. Why would the Guado want to acknowledge that their current leader had spent much of his life in an exile imposed on him by them, after all?]

My exile was revoked after ten years, when High Summoner Braska brought the Calm.

[The words are chosen carefully.]

cw: child abuse/neglect

[fefellocaelum]

The Calm...

[Amaya thinks for a moment, about the things that Seymour has told her, turning them all over in her head for a moment. She's still--furious, really. Furious that he has had to deal with such a fate at all.]

...I may be making an incorrect assumption, but would I be correct in assuming he...fulfilled his role, as a summoner then?

[You know. Defeating ("defeating") Sin, and all of that.]

...What happened to you, after all of that?

[taintedfayth]

[A slight nod; Braska had defeated Sin and died in the process, as summoners do. The highest of all honors, one Seymour had been groomed for himself.]

He did-- Sin lay dormant for ten years thanks to his sacrifice. And I returned to Guadosalam to take my place as my father's assistant.

[As though nothing had ever happened and his father hadn't cast him aside a decade earlier.]

[fefellocaelum]

[...She'd ask him why, but she knows. Deep down, she knows, and something in it makes her brows knit.]

...Did he ever even apologize, for the suffering that he put you two through? The agony, the--

[...Something runs cold in her at a realization.]

...Did...your mother. Did she have to stay behind?

[taintedfayth]

[The fact that Seymour gives her first question no verbal response is answer enough. But as for the second...

His gaze flits to the bottle sitting on the floor, and without a word he reaches for it, unscrewing the top to take a swig. This too is probably an answer in and of itself, but after a shudder and a grimace at the taste, he continues:]

My mother passed away when I was ten.

[fefellocaelum]

...You were all alone for eight years?

[Holy fuck.]

Seymour, that's...I'm so sorry. Words cannot make up for what you've faced, but that's...

...Well. If your father hasn't lost his life somehow and we make it out of here alive, do let me know if I can be of assistance in rendering his life non-existent. He shouldn't even be breathing after what he did to you two.

[taintedfayth]

I have already dealt with that matter myself.

[There's a grim sense of satisfaction to it as he takes another gulp from the bottle. Propriety be damned; there's no one else here but them, no act he needs to keep up for other people.

The fact that his voice has slipped down into a considerably lower register is proof of that much.]

My only regret is that I did not make it last longer. He died far too quickly for it to be truly satisfying.

[Any normal person would be horrified by such an admission, he knows. Spira certainly was ("I... I came to stop you!" voice wavering, but eyes alight with determination). Perhaps he'll still be judged even here.

He doesn't know, and he honestly doesn't care.]

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya lets out a small noise at that, because wow.]

...A dear friend of mine here said something to the effect of "like recognizes like", for describing why we like certain people. I'm starting to understand why.

It is good that you did, however. [Amaya's gaze goes more distant, but there's a ghost of something on her face. A small darkness of her own.] People like that do not deserve to live, though I am sorry for the lack of satisfaction.

They always die too quickly, unfortunately. The body always tends to be a little too feeble, to last too long.

[And you know what. He may as well know he's not alone here, either.]

[taintedfayth]

[She doesn't need to say the words directly for him to understand exactly what she's implying with her last sentence. His laugh is almost a bark, sharp and as amused as it is bitter.]

I hope you at least were able to glean some measure of satisfaction from yours.

[What a thing to be commiserating over... what a thing to be understanding each other over. Yet at the same time, he doesn't hate this feeling that once again he can't quite put words to.]

After all, it is the least they can give us in return for what we suffered at their hands. Would you not agree?

[Ah, there's the bitterness out in full force. It's easy to let it slip here, in a world where no one has heard of Jyscal before.]

[fefellocaelum]

I agree in entirety. For everything that man put me through--goodness, for everything that hideous man put you through from birth, the least they could have done is stayed alive long enough for it to be marvelous. Cathartic, therapeutic.

[Amaya lets out a small, shuddered sound--it almost sounds vaguely like a small laugh, a titter of sorts, but a little too hollow to be genuine.]

I did, however. A blade forged from the very Dragon he worshiped was his end, when we managed to summon her at last. The poison in her fang was more than potent enough even after the blade was finished, and he died in absolute agony.

I'm only sad that we had work to do, after. I wasn't able to enjoy it. But I did get to hear him scream.

[...]

...Apologies, for reveling to such an extent; it feels more than unfair, when you did not get to enjoy yours.

You deserved to, though.

[taintedfayth]

[That gives him a brief moment of pause as her words sink in.

"You deserved to, though." It's something he never expected to hear (not after he had been so soundly condemned for his actions in Spira), and what floods his heart is... relief, he thinks, that there is at least one person out there who sees his actions for what they truly were beneath the desire to claim his father's positions for himself.]

There is no need to apologize; his death was catharsis enough. Though perhaps I should have used a poison more like yours... I had been attempting to be discreet so that people would think it a natural cause.

[He notes that laugh and the hollow note underlying it, and something in him shudders in a sympathy he can't fully articulate.]

... you should revel more often, however. It is not unbecoming.

[It's the most emotion he's seen out of her since they've met, even if it's not exactly what most people would consider to be positive. "Like recognizes like" indeed.]

[fefellocaelum]

[...Oh.

That causes Amaya to blink for a moment, looking at Seymour a little...surprised. It's dull, just like most of Amaya's expressions; dull yellow eyes that the light only seems to catch when she's furious or in vague moments where it feels like she can feel a spark, and then nothing...

Even so, Amaya doesn't let the silence hang for too long before she averts her gaze, something a little softer and maybe even a touch complimented in her eyes.]

...Thank you. It's...about the closest I can feel to it, anyway. Not by choice, but...

[Hah.]

Well. If our plans hadn't come into fruition, I likely would have had to care about the same thing. I take it that you met with no trouble, then; that everyone bought that the old man died peacefully?

[taintedfayth]

[He hears her question, certainly. He hears it, and he chooses to ignore it for the time being, because there's something that interests him far more, something that his mind seizes upon where another's would likely skip right over it in favor of answering the question they were asked.]

... what do you mean?

[There's a soft note to it, gently prompting as much as it is curious, almost hesitant.

"I unfortunately cannot feel much," the words she'd said when they met. He'd thought them a slight bit of hyperbole at the time, but...

He wants to know. He wants to know, because surely she doesn't mean...]

[fefellocaelum]

[...]

I suppose there's no sense in hiding it; I...do not have the ability to feel positive emotions in the slightest. No warmth, no happiness, no joy, no curiosity...all of those warm feelings had been long beaten out of me, even before the Dragon decided to seal my ability to feel them for good.

...And it seems even without that seal, I am unable to.

[Amaya doesn't look at Seymour when she says that much, looking to a far off point on the wall.]

[taintedfayth]

[For a moment, Seymour forgets how to breathe.

"No warmth, no happiness, no joy, no curiosity... all those warm feelings had been long beaten out of me"

His heart clenches in something that he assumes must be sympathy, if he had to put a word to a feeling he cannot name for what it is.]

Amaya...

[He swallows once, twice, as if that will somehow clear the lump that has risen in his throat, the lump that would be emotion if he still had any but instead is something empty and aching and formless.]

... I too have been unable to feel anything since my mother died.

[Since the grief had overwhelmed him, hollowed everything inside him out until there was nothing left behind but emptiness and the memory that there once had been something there.

The understanding is painful in its vividness.]

[fefellocaelum]

-!

[Another person. Another person with a similar issue she faces--someone who actually understands, rather than someone trying to say she's broken. She doesn't need the reminder, she doesn't, but this is...]

...I see. It is...not a problem that I expected to find common ground with someone else on. Though it is understandable, I think.

[Amaya lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding.]

...It has such a way of making one feel utterly disconnected from their fellow man. Like they are...broken, in the eyes of others.

Except our own.

[taintedfayth]

[The chuckle Seymour lets out in response is as hollow as he is. No, this truly isn't the sort of thing one can just admit to people, because being able to feel things is what makes someone a person rather than a mere beast. When one is already considered a monster, why give them more reasons to believe that is so?]

It is... difficult when one cannot understand why people do the things they do. [When they are moved by emotions that you simply can't feel.] One can learn to act, of course, but acting cannot replace the presence of those feelings. I can only assume you have struggled as much as I have...

[The horrible, painful irony of finally being allowed to return to civilization only to find oneself completely unable to relate to others.]

[fefellocaelum]

[He chuckles so easily. It's more than what she can do, and a part of her envies it; she's...]

...Believe me, I understand. And nobody around you is willing to explain everything, just thinking you're insane for not understanding the mechanical waltz they can accomplish with such ease...

[But that gets a humorless sound out of Amaya as well, and she nods her head.]

I have. I...have tried to learn, but most people tend to end up finding me quite eerie and uncomfortable to be around. I'm lucky that my retainer is so patient with me, as are the people of the village...

...Though, considering the circumstances, I imagine dealing with an eerie woman who's best smile manages to scare children is a mercy in comparison.

[taintedfayth]

[Seymour is, if nothing else, a good actor. He's had to be, but it truly grows tiring when one has to do it day in and day out.

... he really shouldn't just be taking swigs out of the bottle like this (it's impolite AND this stuff is strong; he knows he'll undoubtedly regret it tomorrow), but. Well.]

I understand far too well. That people would expect that a child they had rejected and isolated for his entire life should know the first thing about being able to communicate with others... it was truly for the best that I had little desire to communicate with them. They saw no need to teach me that which they thought I should already know.

[fefellocaelum]

Understandably so. They didn't deserve your time of day, the ungrateful vermin.

[...]

I imagine it must come as no shock to hear this from me, but you deserve better. So much better than anything that place has given you. That...this place seems to be perpetuating, in kind.

...If you need anything of me at all, you need only say the word. I will see if I cannot try to talk to them, if you would like.