PCs - Siffrin

[fefellocaelum]

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Week 0 (Post-Trial); Library

[fefellocaelum]

[Everything about that trial sits with Amaya poorly. She's plenty restrained, but everything about this whole situation and the conclusion the group tried to reach has been rubbing her raw. One of the few emotions she can genuinely feel is that frustration, that anger that it genuinely would be so much easier to kill Giyuu and be done with it rather than the rest of this nonsense.

She finds herself going to Erich & Wilbur's, grabbing a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels, and seems to have grabbed a teacup to just. Try and deal with the fact that the people in this group can be idiots and this was entirely preventable and everyone's just stupid, stupid, stupid--

It's what sees Amaya going to the library, fully intent on getting some reading in before retiring, in case anyone decides to be a pain in the rear. She...doesn't actually expect company, but she spies Siffrin and pauses. He...dealt with quite a bit today, didn't he?

...

Amaya will at least make herself known so she doesn't shock them, but--]

...Siffrin? Are you amendable to company?

[siriuspuns]

[ Siffrin seemed to have a similar idea. when Amaya finds him, they're sitting down on the floor in the back of the library, leaning against one of the shelves. next to him is a bottle of vodka and an open book that they gave up on reading. unlike Amaya, there's no cup. he's simply drinking from the bottle.

when she speaks up they... don't respond right away. on one hand, they know they're not good company (never have been), but on the other hand, being left alone is only worse.

he looks up at her, and nods. join them, Amaya. ]

[fefellocaelum]

[...She's not exactly good company either, all be told, but she will gladly take a seat nearby when she receives the affirmative nod. Frankly, she doesn't care; better him than the rest of them.]

...I truly am sorry that you dealt with so much today. [It's soft when she says it, not nearly what it needs to be, but...] And frankly, I cannot blame you for seeking reprieve from it. It was...truly, it was awful, all of it. None of you should have been subjected to that.

[...]

Do you want to talk about anything, or...would you like some sort of distraction? Or perhaps silence?

I mind not, any which way.

[siriuspuns]

I don't care.

[ Siffrin bites the words out, the hand gripping the neck of the bottle like it's the only thing anchoring them. while harsh, the truth is that they simply don't want her to worry about them. he's fine, he's fine, he's fine!

he's so fine, that he's sitting down like a cowardly rat and trying to drown their problems away. the pinnacle of fine.

... ]

They were treating him like a criminal.

[fefellocaelum]

...My apologies.

[This much is clearly a sore subject for him, and you know what. Honestly, Amaya can at least listen. Even if she...]

...Are you upset by what happened to Mr. Beryl, or is this about Mr. Giyuu?

[She has her own opinions, granted, but maybe just letting Siffrin talk and let their venom out is the best course of action rather than worrying.]

[siriuspuns]

[ ...

they take a swig of the bottle, wincing at the burn. ]

Giyuu.

[ though he's certain that the sight of Beryl's head will be one that won't be easy to forget. how lucky of him. ]

[fefellocaelum]

[...]

He really was trying to do his best to help us, in his own way. He really did want to protect us.

I understand. [She doesn't, but she can at least pretend, for someone who cares. She wonders what it's like.] In a just world, we would not have even needed this...farce. What he did was drastic, but he didn't deserve any of this.

...And he doesn't deserve what may come next. Truthfully, Mr. Childermass was a fool for bringing such a deal up.

[siriuspuns]

...

[ Siffrin opens their mouth, and then they close it. they're nervous about bringing this up, but if she's already bringing this up, then...

he brings his knees close to their chest, looking down. ]

It's cruel. If he knew what it was like to be helpless like that, he would have never opened his mouth to say something so blindingly stupid.

[fefellocaelum]

[...Oh.

Oh.]

That man looks like he's never been made to feel helpless a day in his life. Never...never been forced to dance while someone else carries his strings, plucking them with the full knowledge that they control everything. From how you live, to what you are, to...

[Amaya takes another long drink. The words had spit from her mouth like bile, but her next ones are softer.]

...You have been controlled too. Haven't you?

[siriuspuns]

[ Siffrin

         chuckles. Coldly and mirthlessly, they smile at the girl in front of them like their life depends on it.

(You're in control, Siffrin. No matter how many times the Universe tries to make you its plaything, you're the one in control. You're the director of this performance, and everyone else is just a pile of lousy actors. It has to be like this. It has to be. It has to be.










                  But aren't you the one following the script provided by the Universe itself?) ]

Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

[fefellocaelum]

[...]

...I spoke out of turn again, didn't I? Do allow me to apologize.

[Amaya doesn't know what to do with that. Any of it, really, and for a moment she dares to think that this is just Siffrin deflecting again like they always do. Like he always has, whenever she's been concerned.]

But is...you do not like the fate that Mr. Giyuu faces, do you?

[siriuspuns]

[ (Close one. It's better if she doesn't get attached. If more people die...)

Siffrin shakes their head. ]

I... don't. It's no better than dying.

[ actually, it might be worse. ]

[fefellocaelum]

It truly isn't. All they're going to do is subject that poor boy to living an even worse life. A senseless one. A terrible, awful...

[Amaya quiets, briefly. Her gaze goes somewhere far, far away from this place.]

...Living like that does nobody good. I spent the first seventeen years of my life like that; I...truly hope those puppets can be trusted to see sense, and not subject him to such a fate.

cw depersonalization

[siriuspuns]

[ there is something in her words that resonates with Siffrin. they open their mouth again, like they want to say something but...

(No. She might have been a doll, but you're not. You're real. You're real, you're flesh and blood and completely, one hundred percent real.

Right? )

after another swig of the bottle, they mumble, eye narrowed. ]

Do... you trust those puppets? All of them, as a group. Do you trust them to see sense?

[fefellocaelum]

...Truthfully, I trust Conductor Lobelia to be himself and not a single one of the others with anything.

They strike me as the sort who are bound to make some sort of...mockery, of whatever we intend to do. At least, that is the impression I get of them; I haven't spoken to any of the other puppets, granted.

I take it that you do not. You're...worried, for him.

[siriuspuns]

I don’t know.

[ Siffrin shakes their head. ]

Are they really afraid of us? If that was the case, then why not just leave us alone? What good are we for to them?

[fefellocaelum]

That, I am not certain. There are all sorts of things that they could use us for, if we truly wanted to dive down that rabbit hole so to speak. Rituals, sacrifices, and the like.

[...]

I don't know what on earth their angle is, truly. They cannot be like us at all, can they?

wk 1 post body announcement

[siriuspuns]

[ Siffrin is... wandering.

Really, they don't know where their feet are taking them. Maybe there is no set destination in mind.

But when they find Amaya staring ahead blankly by the Chapel, they decide to go her way to see how she was fairing. ]

Amaya...? Are you okay?

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya feels like she's back during the start of this. Back in that heavy, foreboding fog that had led her down this path to this place. She had briefly thought it freedom, a chance to at least try to lead some kind of normal existence.

(What a fool she was. What a fool, what a godsdamned FOOL, for thinking this would be any different than before. That she could actually--)

A voice breaks Amaya out of the thick, all consuming fog of negativity in her brain, her look as hollow as ever. Even so, light doesn't reach her eyes; they're very, very blank right now.]

...You heard the announcement, I take it? [Amaya says this as if it explains everything, canting her head a bit.] All be told...I'm not entirely sure, Siffrin. I'm not sure that I will be sure, until I see what's come of them.

...It feels...so very empty.

[siriuspuns]

[ …

Siffrin takes a step closer to her, raising his hand just slightly to offer her support… but ultimately pulls it back down. ]

We’ll find the answers, Amaya.

[ But even then, will it fill the emptiness in her heart? Siffrin fears it might not be enough. ]

Were they… your friends?

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya continues to just stare for a bit, wondering how true that is. Will an answer give her back the lives of the people around her? Will it give peace to their souls, who deserved so much better...Amaya doesn't know, and she doesn't dare examine her thoughts and the spiral of destruction they threaten to entangle her in.]

I know we will. I will...not allow myself to lose my head, even a second before we get to the bottom of this.

[Easier said than done. But...that question gets Amaya to pause a bit.]

...I don't...know. I think so, at least. Maybe.

[...]

Miss Reiju was my roommate. Though I did not talk to her as often as I wanted...she gave good, warm advice. Realistic, too. I thought of her as an inspiration, as someone who's strength I wanted to emulate.

Mr. Zvei...well. I'll use his own words, but...like recognized like, when we met. He was strange. Utterly annoying when you let him get going on a topic, but he was also...curious, in a genuine regard, about the world around him. But he...made me feel something, other than the emptiness that's my usual.

[siriuspuns]

[ Siffrin nods. While they never talked to Zvei, what she says about Reiju matches what they knew from their short meeting. Their hands ball up to fists at their sides.

(You don't know what to say. She clearly cares about them.) ]

...I'm sorry.

[ ... ]

You talked about being controlled before. What was that about?

[fefellocaelum]

...We need to find what was done to them. For their sake. I...only hope that it is as cut and dry, as the last perhaps.

[That question, though...it sees Amaya take a shaky breath, pausing a bit.]

...Siffrin. It is an incredibly loaded question you are asking me, and...I fear the details, they are not for the faint of heart.

But I can say this much. My...father, ran one of the most successful cults in all of Madide. And I was born for the very purpose of serving the cult he ran, up until he died.

It was...a deeply unpleasant seventeen years of my life.

[siriuspuns]

What?!

[ The horror in their voice is clear. It's not disgust, or anything like it, but simple horror towards the life that Amaya appeared to have been given.

They look down, and away from her. ]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have said that. Or asked that. [ Great job, Siffrin! ] I don't want you to be even more upset.

[fefellocaelum]

...You have not upset me, Siffrin. It is a perfectly understandable reaction?

[Like. Most people with empathy are horrified by that, little dude (gender neutral)--]

The circumstances in and of themselves are upsetting, but you have not upset me at all. If...anything, I am sorry to have upset you.

[siriuspuns]

You shouldn't be apologizing. Wouldn't it have felt worse to lie?

[ They've already hurt her by asking such an invasive question, the last thing they need to do is hurt her again by wanting her to lie. ]

I'm not upset because you said it. I'm upset because you shouldn't have had to have a childhood like that.

[ A family that uses her. A family that controls her. That's not fair for anyone. ]

[fefellocaelum]

[...

Oh, that is such a foreign feeling to Amaya, she ends up just...staring, for a bit as she tries to process that. She's not unfamiliar with the sentiment, but she feels herself getting tetchy. Words like that...

"Amaya, please listen to us! The world is so much better than everything you've faced. The world has been so unfair to you, but that isn't all there is to it! There's better out there!"

"Stop..." A sobbing girl cries out, atop a beast hell-bent on destroying the world. "Stop this, stop, just--just STOP--"

"She's right, Amaya! The world is so bright and beautiful, and you just need to open your heart to it! We'll help, we promise we'll help!"]

...My apologies. I've...never been afforded an opportunity where people didn't know.

It's an incredibly foreign sentiment, that.

Week 1 (Post-Trial); Library (cw: dissociation)

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya wants some reading material before she goes to her new room. To that pew she prefers over her bed at this point, that doesn't remind her of everything that happened today. She feels like she's in a fog as she looks around for a good book (no horror, not tonight, not after), but--

Amaya spies someone out of the corner of her eye.]

Siffrin--?

cw panic attacks

[siriuspuns]

[ After their failed attempt at the bar, Siffrin decided that it was time to simply make themselves as small as possible.

(Look what you did, all of that was your fault. They had it under control, and you ruined it and almost got yourself killed in the process! And you hurt a friend!

      You're a monster.)

Their wandering had brought them to the library, where they had decided to hide at the end of one of the aisles to wait for everyone to sleep. A plan thwarted by Amaya as she calls out to him. He freezes in place, looking at her with a terrified expression. ]

Amaya... I...

[ It's


hard to breathe. ]

I-I didn't... I'm so... sorry. I'm so sorry.

[fefellocaelum]

[...

Amaya stares, blank as ever for a moment, a breath escaping her shakily.]

I forgive you. [...] I wanted to...do something too. To get back at them for killing my friends, to do something. I don't blame you. I don't.

[Amaya doesn't dare step closer, but her look softens.]

...I could never hate you, Siffrin. I promise.

[siriuspuns]

[ Huh? ]

You... forgive me?

[ They must be mishearing. She couldn't have said that, after what he did. ]

[fefellocaelum]

Of course I do. Why would I be angry with you, when you were the only one brave enough to go for the justice you sought?

[Amaya doesn't stutter. Her arm's been forcibly patched up by now, but...

She holds out a hand to Siffrin, should they want to take it.]

I forgive you. I will not stutter as I say it.

[siriuspuns]

[ Their hand twitches. They want to take that hand, they really do.

But a wave of anxiety crashes over them as they remember the hold that Yuki had on them. So much for all that "exposure therapy" that Loop had made them do, haha! ]

I barely knew her. I didn't know Zvei either. I just...

[ (Remembered. You remembered that scene that you were so powerless to stop! Bonnie, the King, and then--)

Siffrin draws a sharp breath, but no air reaches his lungs. ]

I didn't want to hurt you.

[fefellocaelum]

I know you didn't. [She lies. In truth it'd hurt a lot worse than she let on but--] You wouldn't let yourself do that. I know this much.

[...]

Thank you. For...caring for them; they would appreciate it, I think. As someone who at least knew Zvei well, and roomed with Miss Reiju.

[siriuspuns]

[ She's still thanking them.

He really doesn't understand why. But the reality is that they can't accept such a thing. ]

Did you get it treated?

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya lets out a small sound, at that. She'll show Siffrin her bandaged arm with a nod.

...She's not going to tell them why it's wrapped much further than just the cut.]

I think Alhaitham would have killed me himself if I didn't. It...thankfully wasn't as bad of an injury as it could have been.

[siriuspuns]

[ Siffrin doesn’t doubt the bandages, nor does he ask why there’s more— clearly it’s his fault, and that’s all that matters.

She shouldn’t forgive him. They sure wouldn’t.

… ]

You have… a lot of good people. I think.

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya pauses, at that. It's not an inaccurate statement, the more she thinks about it, but she's...]

...I wish they didn't. I dislike the idea of it.

They never usually mean it, in the end. When it actually matters.

But I will not deny it is...kind of them, to do so.

[siriuspuns]

...

[ Haha.

They can't disagree with that! ]

Would you rather be left alone, then?

[fefellocaelum]

No!

[It gets a bit of a startled noise out of Amaya, the answer instant and...honestly, very telling. She's lonely. She's so, so lonely--

...

Amaya breathes, shortly after, shaking her head.]

...This is not meant to be about me. I am sorry, Siffrin.

[siriuspuns]

[ Another lonely person, huh? Just like him.

(Stars, Siffrin, can you stop being so self-absorbed?) ]

Amaya, I hurt you. If anything, I think that this is definitely meant to be about you. I just wanted to do whatever you thought was best for you.

[fefellocaelum]

...I'm...not upset with you, though.

[Beat.]

Besides that, I'm the one who came to you, because I was... [...] I was worried about you, Siffrin. I've never seen you react in such a manner.

...I do not want something to end up happening to you like this again. That was...far too close.