PCs - Anaxagoras

[fefellocaelum]

a shitpost will come eventually--

Comments

week 1, post-trial (slightly backdated unless we wanna change it up)

[anaxagoreia]

[ Anaxagoras is out and about this night - people are bound to be thusly having a time of it, and so...he may have had concerns.

Not that he's broadcasting those - and then he hears the sound of tree-punching. He'll turn his attention towards the source, immediately. ]

...Amaya?

this works fine!!! (cw: dissociation)

[fefellocaelum]

[Punch. Punch. Punch.

It's almost like a metronome, in a way, the way Amaya goes at the tree. The tree is most certainly winning against her fist, and the training is keeping her somewhat centered. Her mind off of what happened today, to the blur that her mind is trying so hard to shield her from, that...

Oh, that's her name. Amaya turns, slowly to the source of it, her gaze...blank, lifeless almost, and head tilted.]

...Mr. Anaxagoras. To what do I owe the pleasure?

[anaxagoreia]

[ Anaxagoras hadn't anticipated that people would be faring well - though, he wasn't certain to know the shape of it all.

When he sees the almost lifelessness of her eyes, it makes him stop to consider carefully what else to say, and then flicker right on over to the tree she had been punching.

Then looking back at her. ]

I was out on a walk and saw you here. It seems a random happenstance...though, perhaps I should ask how long have you been at you've been doing?

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya continues to stare, though it remains unfocused. Far away, like she's looking through him rather than at him.]

...I don't know, if you wish me to be honest. Long enough that I am starting to feel it, at least. But it...

It still doesn't feel like enough.

[anaxagoreia]

[ Anaxagoras imagines he can't begin to presume how exactly close she was to the dead in the first place - not necessarily. But, the reaction so far is at least an indiction of the matter of said closeness.

One would imagine a week or two might not be enough to cultivate bonds. Though that is simply not the case. ]

Unsurprising. I've seen others vent their emotions in this way when loss or heavy circumstances have been upon them.

But, rarely has it been a quick salve. Even if it is better than sitting in it.

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya lets out a small sound at that, before she gives the tree another good punch.]

...It is the only way I can think to relieve this.

I cannot cry. I barely feel I've the right to mourn, when we've only known each other for so long. I can barely even get my head from this fog that feels like it's about to consume me whole.

[anaxagoreia]

'What right do I have to mourn someone I have just met'...

[ Anaxagoras repeats the words, the sentiment expressed, as he seems to mull on them himself. It makes him think of Okhema's dire times, of the Grove's, where people fell or ran en masse. Such words had passed through stranger's lips in the streets, when they bounded with someone who had just escaped only to fall the very next day. ]

I have something else to say, then. I don't think it's wrong to try what you can to relieve the pain. All the same, I don't believe it's incorrect or illogical to mourn someone who was effectively a stranger.

Emotions aren't not things that bend to simple reason, even if we feel guilty at times for having them. And so remains the same of connections...even in a single glance bonds can be forged stronger than ones in years.

[fefellocaelum]

[That's exactly it, truly. Amaya feels herself shudder a bit as she listens to Anaxagoras, something in her starting to...attempt to process everything. She really can't, but at the very least the idea of loss is...

It's something Amaya knows too well, though a small noise escapes her at the talk of emotions.]

...I wouldn't know. Most of mine have been dead for the longest time, and even now, even here and away from the things that took them away...I still cannot feel them. I still cannot understand them.

...I was never allowed friends growing up, and I can count the ones I have at home on one hand. The idea that I could attach so easily, it's...

It's frightening, you know?

[anaxagoreia]

[ Seeing her reaction, Anaxagoras knows acutely that emotions are difficult to deal with - it isn't like he's any stranger to the hardship of facing them down. He wouldn't say he wears them on his sleeve, either, but he likes to imagine he is particularly obvious in how he expresses himself.

But...the issue of attachment? Yes, that's frightening indeed; it's a different story entirely. ]

...It is.

[ Anaxagoras allows this much, an admittance of sorts. ]

I understand that too - in ways that feels difficult to put into words. Becoming close to others means opening yourself up to vulnerabilities - though, doing so in a quickness is a strange feeling.

Yet, here we all are, eventually even talking about our lives back home with others. Even if bonding might have never came easily in our homes, the people here are a different story. Maybe it is our circumstances that permits it.

But, it is our new reality, for however long that lasts.

[fefellocaelum]

...And that makes this all the more cruel, doesn't it? That these people, they're going to keep getting ripped away from us. That they're never coming back to us. That it...

That it feels more like a trap, than anything freeing, to share one's self with others at this point. They're all just going to leave anyway; why bother? They always do.

[Oh. Amaya doesn't look at Anaxagoras when she says it, though her look goes to the ground after she does, a bitter noise escaping her.]

...I've...acquainted myself with more people here than I've ever been allowed to, at home. It's...frightening, really.