PCs - Alhaitham

[fefellocaelum]

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Week 1 (Post-Trial); Outside of Morgue (cw: dissociation)

[fefellocaelum]

[Amaya eventually separates from Seymour after he scoops her up and brings her out of that wretched place. A part of her still feels like she's there, in that moment; maybe a piece of her proceeded to stay there for eternity in that moment.

She doesn't know. She doesn't really feel much of anything right now, and her legs aimlessly start to wander after she separates from the man who saved her.

She doesn't appear to be going towards the infirmary at all; she's going in the opposite direction toward some of the trees, almost listlessly and aimless. But with purpose all the same. She doesn't expect anyone to come for her, expecting everyone else to be as distracted.

...She's still bleeding pretty badly though. Maybe she should check that out.]

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham finds her, because she's the only one he's looking for and that means he can invest the time into it. Mostly to check up on her, but she also does still have his cloak and he needs it returned at some point.

He checks the infirmary first, and, finding nothing, starts making the trip down the path away from all the carnage. That turns out to be good instincts because he finds her.

He speeds up to approach, but doesn't quite touch her yet.] The infirmary should be less crowded by now.

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[When Amaya turns, it's a little slow when she does so. A little zombie-like and a little blank, but it hits her strange brain that she has held onto his coat this entire time. That must be why he's...

...Oh.]

...I should be fine. [It comes out blank, but hang on, let her get his coat off so she can hand it back.] You...need this back, yes?

[justscribing]

Bleeding is an interesting definition of "fine". [He raises his brow, though he does take his cloak once she offers it.] I hope I don't need to explain about how letting injuries fester untreated will make them far worse, and supplies are freely available to you.

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...It really is no trouble. The supplies are better suited to help the collective.

[It's unintentional, the way she says it. Something almost comes back into reality at that, an awareness that maybe...this isn't right. Something isn't right here.

And yet, Amaya pauses at that. Her look isn't quite back in reality, but...]

...Are you going to drag me there?

[justscribing]

[Oh, he knows that mindset.]

I'd prefer not to have to do more than remind you that you are also part of this collective and have you come along willingly. You'll need another set of hands to bandage that up properly.

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I promise you, it's...

[... ... ...]

...Fine, if you're going to insist upon it. Might I...ask for your help, then, if you're going to be so stubborn?

[justscribing]

[... That was an easier victory than he expected! He'll take it.]

You might, and maybe I'll respond to that question agreeably. [He folds up his coat and looks very expectantly for her to start walking right back the other way.]

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[Don't worry, don't worry, she'll come along. Her gaze is still a little more than blank and...really not here, but she is going.]

...You truly don't have to, but...I hope that despite everything, my appreciation comes through.

Even if I truly insist I don't need it. [...] ...The pain is at least something else to focus on, that isn't...any of this.

[...she could be specific, but no, the entire case is literally giving her a feeling and She Doesn't Like It--]

[justscribing]

[Rather than appreciation he'd just like her to take care of herself... but she's coming with him so he doesn't harp on it as they walk.]

I understand needing a distraction, but there are better ways than neglecting your health. [Like read a book.]

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...Pain and adrenaline are some of the few feelings that haven't been taken from me. That's...

[Oh, that's volunteering way too much information. Thankfully we're in the infirmary now, and Amaya will walk on ahead to grab the bandages, presenting her arm.]

...Thank you. I...do promise, that I am not ungrateful that you went out of your way for me.

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham is also getting a cloth wet and some disinfectant. Yes, they're doing this properly.

He sets them aside and tosses his coat carelessly to a chair before taking her hand to look over her arm before dabbing it to start clearing the dried blood.]

If you're grateful, you can make it easier by looking after yourself first. [His gaze flickers up to her. There's a beat.] They clearly aren't the only thing you feel if you're reacting like this.

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[...]

Most of the things I feel aren't very acceptable things, Mr. Alhaitham. A leader shouldn't be feeling such things. A leader must always lead by example, and I'm...setting a poor one, I know.

[She cooperates with whatever Alhaitham needs, of course, giving him her hand easily and wincing a bit whenever he gets an open wound--oddly, it does seem to ease Amaya a touch though.]

I don't...know, how to acknowledge any of the rest of that.

[justscribing]

You're reacting this strongly because you cared about Zvei and Reiju, right? Grief can only be this strong if you also felt compassion and affection for them.

[Once the wounds are clear he preps a rag with disinfectant.] Be prepared for this to sting.

[He pats it on next, careful not to scrape the skin as he does.]

Also unless a vote happened without including me, you aren't a leader here. There's no need to hold to yourself to a responsibility you don't have.

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[Amaya does her best not to twitch throughout everything Alhaitham says, trying to remain the fragile picture of sanity and mental health she wishes she could be. She doesn't even flinch at the disinfectant, but she...]

I...genuinely do not know, Alhaitham. I haven't been able to feel any sort of positive emotion since I was seventeen; it all just...fades, into an empty, gaping void that I have to try and take some sort of guess at what it is, and try to mimic it.

[Amaya looks pointedly away.]

...They both made me feel something, other than that emptiness. Envy, for Miss Reiju. Annoyance, for Zvei. It's...that cannot possibly imply care...

[...welcome to the fuckery zone,,,]

[justscribing]

[Since Alhaitham's focused on her arm she'll be able to break eye contact as much as she wants.]

People are complicated and rarely are their emotions always so simple. It's possible to feel both annoyance or envy alongside care. Can you really say you'd be this affected if the only thing you missed from them was the way you felt, and not the presence they had in your life?

cw: mention of cults, abuse, possession

[fefellocaelum]

Alhaitham, I...truly don't know.

[...]

Up until arriving here, part of my emotions had been...seized, by a Dragon that my father and his cult summoned that got defeated. And even before that, I...was not allowed an emotion out of place, under my father's care. I grew to conceal any emotion he considered out of line, and I wasn't even allowed any friends. I...

[Amaya starts to shake the slightest bit.]

...I don't want them to be gone. But I hate that I cared in the first place, because all it's doing is making me confused...

[justscribing]

[So this is all an unknown for her. Alhaitham is familiar with isolation, but it's very different when you choose it for yourself.]

... Would you forget about them if you could? Or if you had the option to never know them at all? [Normally there's no point in contemplating such hypotheticals. But in this case, maybe what Amaya needs is something to contemplate.]

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[Perhaps surprisingly, the answer is instant.]

No. To forget them would be a grave sin; one should always endeavor to remember the people around them.

[But the latter...that actually sees her pause a moment. To actually think, because it certainly would ease the burden on her mind. It's something she does give genuine thought to, before inevitably shaking her head.]

...No. I cannot even bring myself to forget Satsuki, and she died so long ago; these people...tried, to know me. To understand me.

I...do not like the idea, of not knowing them.

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham looks up and watches for a moment. Then he returns to wrapping her arm in bandages.]

Many things in life are complicated, especially when they involve other people. A sudden loss is difficult for anyone to deal with. But if you feel that way, you should hold tight onto their memories. The pain will become easier to deal with in time.

W5; Monday (minor cw suicidal ideation [former])

[fefellocaelum]

[Now that she has the means to check around the world again, she ends up quietly slipping over to the Chapel once she has a chance; it's always been somewhat of a comforting place for her, and even now as a small, toddling little Tonberry, she makes her way there primly as she can to check inside, it's walls a familiar comfort after everything.

Still...those wish strips she's been trying desperately to gather have absolutely been slipping from her little doll-like hands, scattering to the four winds despite everything. She knows people won't accept some of them, and she still cares what the others think, even now. They speak to something deep within her that she struggles with, even now.]

- I wish I was normal.
- I wish I hadn't taken the Dragon up on her offer, and died a sacrifice.
- I wish I could destroy the Dragon myself, and finally never have to worry about being taken over again.
- I wish I knew who my Mother was.
- I wish my Father were suffering just as much as I am.
- I wish I could see Aneirin again.

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham catches one between his fingers. He watches Amaya instead of reading it as she waddles closer.]

... Can you even hold anything with those hands?

[It's a serious question.]

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[...She should've known she'd be called out by someone. The little doll's head seems to droop for a moment before it elects to turn around and face Alhaitham, the poorly held pile in her hands scattering a bit.]

...No.

[But she had to try.]

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham looks at the wish in his hand before kneeling down to help her gather the ones falling out.]

You could spend all your time collecting these, but you'd be left wondering if you missed one and what people saw before you caught them. It won't bring you any comfort.

[fefellocaelum]

...Apologies.

[Amayaberry doesn't drop them, but she's...well, at least thankful sounding to Alhaitham's help. Though she doesn't know how to address anything that he might find, she can at least try to answer his questions a bit...

Though, she does look around the Chapel some too. It really is good to be back here, though she seems to toddle off in the direction of the shrine--is it still up...?]

[justscribing]

Hm? There's no reason to apologize to me. [Maybe to herself?

He does line up those wishes and wads them into a ball before following the turn of her plush body.] The chapel has been largely left alone, so there hasn't been a new portrait added except yours.

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[Amaya would beg to differ, for the inconvenience, for the sheer fact that he could very well see some of her worst secrets. She's never liked talking about them, even if she's told a few already there's no way someone as kind as him would--

Wait. What?]

...M-Me?

[Hang on, hold up a second, whomst???]

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham nods.] Obviously you couldn't have added it yourself and I didn't see any self portraits. Mabel drew it.

[fefellocaelum]

...See?

[Amaya can't really see it herself; please guide her there, she's...genuinely curious. And she even sounds a little touched?]

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham nods and reaches to pick her little plush up so he can hold her at level to see Mabel's drawing. She was always remembered.]

[fefellocaelum]

[...

The plushie in his hands seems to tremble a bit at that. It thankfully cannot cry, but she never knew the kind of impact she made here. Sure, she knew about her impact on Seymour and Zvei, but seeing it so clearly in how she's been rendered in such a picture...it's...

It's enough that the plushie seems to sniffle a bit, in lieu of words. She's...genuinely touched.]

[justscribing]

[Alhaitham holds her up until she signals to go down. He doesn't think it's important context that he asked Mabel to draw it. What matters is that Amaya was remembered, mattered to many more in the group.]